Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center
International Eating Disorder Referral Organization
How Parents Can Help
by Kip Rasmussen, Ph.D.
Eating disorders lead to serious consequences for the physical and emotional health of those who suffer and parents naturally want to know how they can help. Here are some ideas of what you, as a parent, can do if you suspect your daughter has an eating disorder.
No matter how frustrated you are, don't approach her with anger
You will most likely feel intense frustration, but you should show this frustration only with great caution. Approaching her with anger will almost inevitably push her even further away from what is reasonable and rational in her life. If she feels judged harshly, she will retreat even further into a shell of depression and further pursuit of eating-disordered behaviors. As mentioned, eating disorders involve intense feelings of worthlessness. What she needs more than anything is reassurance that you love her in spite of your fear and frustration.
Give her the opportunity to accept your love
Those with eating disorders often isolate themselves from the affection they crave from others. They do this for a variety of reasons, but usually because they don't feel they deserve it. They will often push parents away, even when they secretly (and desperately) crave the affection parents can give. Let her know you love her and are willing to give her the physical affection she craves but will almost never ask for.
Let her express herself
Listen to her without trying to control the outcome of the conversation. Many of those with serious eating disorders have felt silenced by various sources of authority in their lives. But because of the universal need for self-expression, those with eating disorders resort to restricting or bingeing/purging as a very indirect and self-destructive way to express the pent up feelings of worthlessness which are often, quite literally, killing them. Eating disorders have been called "the good girl's rebellion" because rather than scream and yell at what is bothering or hurting them, they will turn to self-harm (including cutting and eating disorders) to "tell" those who can read the code that they disagree or are hurting.
All parents make mistakes
All parents make mistakes, even dedicated, caring parents. It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you inadvertently erred at times in the way you raised your kids. Be willing to take a look at the weaknesses in your own family and parenting. If you have made mistakes, admit it. Let your daughter know that you love her, that you never wanted to do or say anything to hurt her or impede her development and that you're sorry for what you might have done that may have hurt her. Write these feelings in a Letter of Regret and give it to her without justifying your actions, without blaming her for anything she might have done (having her admit her part in the problem will come later). This letter will take some courage, but I have never encountered a therapeutic intervention as healing as sincere letters of regret sent from parents to their daughters.
Get help from specialists
The overwhelming complexity of the issues involved in treating eating disorders can make even experienced therapists look like rookies. Therapists unfamiliar with these issues can provide general levels of emotional support, but rather quickly run out of helpful ideas because of the lack of understanding of the relevant issues. Your daughter will also most likely need to visit a dietitian, one who can correct the numerous incorrect ideas regarding nutrition and physiology which girls with eating disorders hold. We also recommend that this dietitian understand an approach known as intuitive eating. We should also mention that this dietitian must never recommend an approach involving any kind of dieting or weight loss.
Don't be the food police
Don't give in to the urge to monitor her food intake unless she is physiologically collapsing. In this case, let qualified medical personnel engage their expertise. Eating disorders can be fatal, but let physicians help determine the course of treatment if she is suffering from this illness with severe symptoms. Explain to her how you see things in life, but remember that this is an uphill battle and she is unlikely to be convinced by logic if she is engaging deeply in her eating disorder.
Allow imperfection
Help her understand that it is not only OK to be imperfect but that it's inevitable. Let her know that you will love her if she makes mistakes, and when it happens, prove it by showing her your regard and love for her.
How Parents Can Help to Prevent Eating Disorders
It seems critical when discussing issues of this severity to include a discussion about prevention. Here are some things for parents who want to avoid the development of eating disorders in their children to remember. Many of these will be similar to how parents should interact with their daughters who have serious eating disorders but there will be some critical differences:
Love them
Remember that love is an action. You may feel the intense emotions of love and protection parents have for their kids, but this is not enough. You have to show her in ways that she interprets as "love" for her to understand how you feel about her. Obviously, parents who give of their love freely serve to protect their children from a host of problems throughout their lives. This is particularly important in relation to young men. In fact, the more parents (particularly fathers) show appropriate physical affection to their daughters, the less likely they will be to desperately seek attention/contact/approval from boys later in their teens.
Talk to them. Listen to them
Establish a channel of communication so that when they need to talk to you about important matters, they will, by force of habit, come to you.
Know their interests - Be a part of their lives
If your interest is genuine, most kids won't see your involvement as nosiness. Stay current on who their friends are, what they spend their time doing, what they want to do with their lives, and what their goals and objectives are in the present and the future. Make them aware of what you see as their talents and abilities. Become familiar enough with their lives that you will notice when they are not doing well emotionally. Again, you have to know how to decode them.
Let them know that they are good enough
Let them know that they are good enough even if they are not perfect; that perfection is not a pre-requisite for your love, approval, and acceptance.
Allow them to speak their minds
Allow them to disagree with you as long as they do it respectfully.
Don't value them for their appearance
If they believe you value them for their beauty, they often become preoccupied with it, to the neglect of deeper, more enduring traits that have far greater capacity to help them succeed. Tell them you love them for reasons more important than outward beauty. Praise them for their personality and intelligence, their sense of humor, their integrity, reliability, talents, desires, spiritual strength, etc.
Take notice of and emphasize their positive attributes and traits
Spend more time recognizing and acknowledging their strengths, efforts, and successes. If they have weaknesses, help them work on them in a positive, encouraging manner.
Teach them to respond effectively to pressures of physical affection they may not want
As mentioned, girls with eating disorders often feel voiceless and powerless to change their lives or their situation. They can often submit to traumatic sexual experience because they feel they may deserve punishment, or haven't learned to assert themselves over the course of their lives. Teach them to be able to set boundaries with people they encounter in their lives. Help them to develop direct and assertive communication patterns, to protect themselves in times of risk or threat.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are strictly those of the author and are presented without editing. The opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the position or the policy of EDReferral.com, and no official endorsement by EDReferral.com of the opinions expressed herein should be inferred.
