Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center

International Eating Disorder Referral Organization

 

Eating Disorders and Your Needs By Rachel Quast, M.A., CPT

As a teacher, counselor or friend, it can be easy to overlook those who are co-dependent. They seem so likeable, so pleasant...and so eager to PLEASE! Being on the receiving end of such behaviors, it seems like nothing to be concerned about. Why, your personal buttons aren't being pushed. The compliant are a breath of fresh air compared to the defiant. They make your day just a little easier. Surely, a co-dependent child isn't going to be sent to the principal to be punished. However, co-dependency needs to be identified and addressed. It is the behavior which precipitates shame; and once a person is shame-based, she or he has "fertile soil" to grow an addiction.

Unfortunately, children are very susceptible to this. They are so eager to please. They have the innate need to be cherished and loved, just as they are. When those needs are not met, they immediately blame or judge themselves ("It is because I'm not_____________, that is why daddy doesn't want to spend time with me.") Children do not have the ability to reason; therefore, they cannot comprehend that mom or dad's personal issues cause their behavior, not them. For example, if the child gets yelled at for not cleaning his or her room, she or he will assume that her or his behavior caused mom to yell. The child can't understand that mom had a bad day at work and feels unfulfilled by her emotionally absent husband. Parents who do not take personal responsibility for their own emotions and fulfillment pass their personal pain and shame on to the child. The child, then, becomes the emotional container for the parent's pain. The transactional theory labels this as "passing the hot potato." In the above example, the mother unknowingly justifies her discontent, believing herself that it was the child's mess that caused such a radical emotion.

This behavior, again, creates shame and co-dependency: leaving the child ever fixing her or his behavior to "fix" mom or dad's mood. In essence, the child is simply trying to get her or his needs met ("If I can please mommy or daddy, they will want to be with me or will praise me.").

There are 6 basic needs which all humans need. They are as follows: Safety, Control, Esteem, Trust, Independence and Intimacy. If those needs are not met, a person will use a behavior or thought pattern to "fill up" such needs (to either deny the need or create a pseudo-need).

In relation to eating disorders, one can examine if those needs were met, and if not, what experiences prevented those needs from being met. How is the eating disorder used to meet those needs instead? Were there any core beliefs created at the time which one experienced the hurt? Do those core beliefs still exist today? It can look something like this: When I was working through body image issues, I realized that I "needed" the ideal body in order to be noticed. I often said, "I can't gain weight because then it will feel as if I shouldn't even exist or that I don't exist." For a couple months, I had that empty, dooming feeling. The feelings of shame plagued my soul and ran through my blood. Then it occurred to me one day. I felt as if I didn't exist without the perfect body because that was how I initially felt. THAT was the original hurt before the eating disorder ever developed! I felt invisible to my parents because work was so important and I wasn't in their work zone (among other things). I figured out, as an 8-year old how to transform my invisibility to visibility. I focused on what I ate. I worked out. I created a body which people continually commented upon. I GOT NOTICED! I figured out a way to transform pain into victory. I crafted the skill (the anorexia) to where I had all the rules down pat; so my NEED to be noticed (which converts to the need to have value/ to have purpose) felt healed. I went about investing all my energy into keeping that need met! The moment I let up on the anorexia, the NEED came screaming back! The disorder was nothing more than an OLD band aid that lost its function. It didn't even stick. I had to deal with the original pain. I had to feel the shame. I had to ask for my own wants and needs, rather than getting them through others (co-dependency).

It is all possible and extremely rewarding once you get to the other side. I encourage you to keep going to the other side! Those of you not experiencing such behaviors, do them a favor by giving them a voice! Let the person stand up for her or his own self and have her or his own feelings, even when it pushes YOUR buttons. Look for those who are overly eager to help you in the classroom. They are begging for your praise for a reason!
 

Many blessings to you and those you work with,


Rachel Quast, M.A., CPT

SHED Founder & President

Rachel Quast, M.A. is a counselor and support group leader for those experiencing anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating and has been specializing in this work for over 9 years. Her counseling and personal recovery from all 3 eating disorders has given her great insight. Miss Quast is the founder of SHED (Self-Healing through EDucation), an organization dedicated to educating the public on and supporting people through eating disorders since 1998. Her curriculum, Journey from the Storm Within: 9-steps to eating disorder recovery, is used by school counselors, teachers, community therapists and inpatient programs that specialize in eating disorder treatment. Further information can be found at www.9shed.com or at by calling 414-303-1134.

 

 

 

The views and opinions expressed in this article are strictly those of the author and are presented without editing. The opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the position or the policy of EDReferral.com, and no official endorsement by EDReferral.com of the opinions expressed herein should be inferred.

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